04 Nov Mom doubt. And pride.
Every damn day since the day I found out I was pregnant my life has been wracked with doubt.
Doubt about whether I’m eating right, sleeping enough, holding him properly, feeding him enough etc…
Tonight though I have one less thing fret about though. You see, my step father is an asshole. He’s a sexist, racist, sadistic neo-nazi reincarnate, obsessed with conspiracy and wholly against absolutely anyone who doesn’t believe or agree 100% with his views.
He has been picking on me ever since he married my mama. We’ve come to a sort of truce over the years and with that I mostly mean that I’ve learned to ignore the majority of his snarky comments and opinions. But you see, I’ve learned to just walk away, so has my brother which means the only one he can really hurt now is Fysh and man does that guy fucking try. It’s got to the point where Fysh actually doesn’t really want to go granny anymore because papa isn’t nice to him.
Tonight we had dinner at mama as monkey is sleeping over there and Hitler started on at him about how he needs to cut his hair because he’s not a girl and he just kept at it and I could see the tears forming. So I opened my mouth and took the grunt of the abuse so Fysh could slip off and go sit by his uncle instead.
Before I left though Fysh came to me and said “Mommy, don’t worry. Papa is an ass but he is only one person who doesn’t like me. Lots of people told me this week they like my hair and they don’t even know me”.
I wanted to cry, I am crying. And not because he said ass and I couldn’t laugh at it. Because I gave him that speech when he was probably about 4. It’d been because he said he didn’t want to wear a shirt cause some kid made fun of him. And apparently it stuck and I’m so damn proud.
This kid. I never wanted him to have any of the insecurities I have, I’ve fought tooth and nail for that, always wanted him to grow up confident but kind and so far I feel like I’m winning at that goal.
I have a kid who gets emotionally excited when he’s gifted a monopoly set. One who says please and thank you (most of the time), who is shy but makes friends with staff and random people his soul sees as good. Who asks for apple trees as birthday presents and who has long purple hair and doesn’t give a shit.