03 Dec mama guilt and pride
There are moments where I just want to sit and cry because I can’t give Fysh everything he wants and I guess I now know how my own mama felt when we were little and she was raising us alone. I feel like a failure and like no matter how hard I try life just keeps knocking me down at the knees.
He’s not a kid that asks for everything and then throws a tantrum if I say no, he simply says “okay, next time” and that’s gut wrenching but at the same time it makes me so damn proud of him. He knows the value of things and he appreciates everything. He often declines things when I offer to get them cause “no, I don’t want you to waste your money”. The other day he had one of the rare occasions were he asked for a sweet even though I didn’t offer when we were at the till and I bent down to tell him quietly that mama just doesn’t have the money for it today. He looked sad but nodded his head. The old man in front of us must have heard because before he walked away he handed Fysh a roll of mentos that he’d bought. He knows not to take things from strangers so was hesitant till I nodded that it’s okay, he gave the old man the biggest hug and then the stranger turned to me and said “you’re raising a good one, well done.” > Cue waterfall of tears.
Today I ran out quick to post of two unicorns that I’d crocheted for an order. The Dr Oetke pizzas were on special and I was blessed that the person who ordered them paid in extra for postage than was needed so I decided to hell with it and got him the pizza even though there are other things we should get instead. But the look of delight and sheer gratitude and proclamations of “aaah thank you so so much mama! You know how much I love pizza” makes it all worth it. And even though it’s a small pizza and it’s one of his top foods with his favourite toppings he offered to take all the mushrooms off so he can share with me (which I declined cause mushrooms are disgusting and even if you take them off the pizza still tastes like them).
But that’s how he is, if he get’s something he’s happy to share. He always brings me his savings jar so that he can help (even though the handful of brown monies can’t buy jack) and he’s the one that makes the guy who comes to the gate a sandwich and a cup of coffee. He brings me flowers and feathers “just because I love you” and makes me coffee. He even swept the stoep yesterday so I didn’t have to and helps with dishes and washing “so we can save money and not pay someone”.
So hey, maybe we’re not financially well off and I can’t give him all the material things in the world but instead of rebelling and always demanding this kid has all the feels and all the understanding and I really hope that sticks with him throughout life. So long as he keeps realising he’s also important I’m really proud that he has such a nurturing, caring and understanding nature. I think he’s got a really bright future with amazing possibilities ahead of him and I would love to see him study like I couldn’t and really succeed but somehow I see him as a hippy traveller that works/backpacks around the world doing something amazing like working at orphanages etc. He’s just got that soul.
So yes, I always feel guilty. But pride trumps that in occasions like this.
Keep smiling beautiful boy <3