The secret to life – condensed version

My dad posted this on FB and apparently it was written by Thor Harris from Monofonuspress.com but it’s so good I can’t not share. It’s so damn honest, blunt and to the point. Something I think we need to print out and keep somewhere we can see often as a bloody good reminder. Also, I’m wondering if this guy might be one of my dad’s offspring or past students cause he sounds like a carbon copy of the sailor I grew up with.

Or maybe I’m just such a hippy I can’t help but agree.

1. DON’T SMOKE CIGARETTES. (Have you even see what they fucken cost lately?!)

2. DRIVE OLD JAPANESE CARS. EASY AND CHEAP TO FIX & THEY RUN FOR FUCKING EVER. (YES! Don’t buy the indian crap etc… I miss my golf that I could fix myself and went smoothly for 32 years instead of my 7 year old engine that blew it’s head gasket TWICE)

3. BUY MOST OF YOUR GROCERIES FROM THE PRODUCE SECTION. MOST OF THAT OTHER SHIT IS NOT ACTUALLY FOOD. YOU DON’T NEED IT. (We do this as much as humanly possible. Also if you have any space at all make a garden, pinterest has great ideas for wall gardens if you don’t have ground space)

4. RIDE YOUR BIKE INSTEAD OF DRIVING AS MUCH AS YOU CAN. YOU NEED THE EXERCISE AND GAS IS EXPENSIVE. (makes mental note to get bike fixed and get a chain)

5. DON’T HAVE KIDS. THEY’RE NOT MIRACLES, THEY’RE PEOPLE. 7 BILLION IS TOO FUCKING MANY. FIND SOME OTHER WAY TO GIVE YOUR DULL EXISTENCE SOME MEANING. BTW THEY’RE EXPENSIVE. (Yeah I have one and I still bloody agree with him. there are so many better ways to leave a legacy)

6. GET YOUR CLOTHES FROM THRIFT STORES. WITH THE PHYSIQUE YOU’LL HAVE FROM RIDING YOUR BIKE, YOU’LL LOOK HOT WEARING ANYTHING. (Hand me down’s and clothes swaps are the bomb!)

7. LEARN TO FIX THINGS. TONS OF GREAT BOOKS AND YOUTUBE VIDS ON FIXING ANYTHING. OR ASK AN OLD DUDE. PEOPLE USED TO FIX THINGS. NO SHIT. (Love me some youtube, I even replaced the brakes on my car myself)

8. LEARN A TRADE – CARPENTRY, PLUMBING, ELECTRICAL, AUTO MECHANICS, TAILORING, COMPUTER/ELECTRONICS REPAIR, SOMETHING THEY CAN’T FUCKING OUTSOURCE. NO ONE GIVES A SHIT ABOUT YOUR MASTERS IN DOSTOYEVSKY OR YOUR HIGH SCORE ON WORLD OF WARCRAFT…. FIX SOMETHING, DUMBASS, FIX SOMETHING! (And this is why my dad taught me never to say no to learning something new, and why I sound like a know it all cause I can do so many things)

9. IF YOU LIKE BOOZE, DRINK AT HOME WITH YOUR NEIGHBORS. DRUNK DRIVING IS FOR ASSHOLES, RICH ONES WITH LAWYERS. (Couldn’t have said it better myself)

10. DO PEOPLE FAVORS. IT’S CALLED COOPERATION. IT’S HOW THE WORLD WORKED BEFORE MONEY. THEY WILL RETURN THE FAVOR, OR SOMEONE WILL. NO SHIT. THIS REALLY WORKS. (Barter exchange is still alive, use it when you can. Be nice to people)

11. MAKE THINGS – LOOK AROUND YOU. WHAT DO YOU SEE? YAH, SHITTY STUFF MADE BY IMPOVERISHED ENSLAVED PEOPLE FAR AWAY. PICK ANYTHING. MAKE A BETTER ONE. PEOPLE WANT GOOD SHIT. YOU WON’T GET RICH, BUT YOU’LL GET BY. (It’s also dead therapeutic and will keep you broke so you can’t smoke or buy drugs which is good)

12. IF YOU LIVE IN AMERICA – DON’T GET SICK AND AVOID INJURY. WEAR YOUR FUCKING HELMET AND PUT LIGHTS ON YOUR BIKE. (counts for us as well!)

13. FIND WORK YOU LOVE. IF YOU CAN’T DO THAT, THEN FIND A JOB WHERE YOU LOVE THE PEOPLE. (Not always easy but oh so important)

14. JUNKIES AND ADDICTS ARE LIKE TODDLERS. THEY JUST WANT TO SHIT ALL OVER YOU AND EVERYTHING. THE MESSES THEY MAKE CAN GET EXPENSIVE. AVOID THEM IF YOU CAN. (Just avoid them okay. Trust me on this, even a friend will give you a black eye and rob you for that next fix)

15. DON’T BUY SHIT ON CREDIT, REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED TO AMERICA? CASH ONLY, FUCKERS. CAN’T AFFORD IT? DON’T FUCKING BUY IT! (the one thing I have managed to live by minus the car I am paying off)

16. PREVENTABLE EXPENSES – STD’S, ABORTIONS, DWI’S, LUNG CANCER, HEAD INJURIES, SPEEDING TICKETS, CIRRHOSIS OF THE LIVER. (Okay some things are hard to prevent but live clean and smoke/drug free and you’re half way there)

17. DON’T GO ON FANCY DATES IF YOU’RE NOT FANCY. MOST PEOPLE KIND OF DESPISE THE RICH ANYWAY. (Give me a craft cider and pizza in the garden any day)

18. WHEN YOU GO SEE SHOWS, BRING A FLASK IN. THAT WAY YOU CAN AFFORD TO BUY A RECORD. (I am pretty sure he means a concert which doesn’t happen too often here and when they do they happen in a bar BUT he has a pretty valid point)

19. IF YOU HAD TOLD ME 15 YEARS AGO THAT COCA COLA WOULD PUT TAP WATER IN PLASTIC BOTTLES AND MOTHERFUCKERS WOULD BUY IT …… NO FUCKIN WAY. (I grew up in a town where we had fossilised water that was bottled and sold to tourists. That shit came out our taps and into their bottles… Yeah. I don’t do bottled water. Boil a kettle or buy a filter)

20. DON’T GET CABLE. ASSHOLE. THERE IS NOTHING ON. I PROMISE. $100 A MONTH ? FUCK NO! (Rather get uncapped internet and a netflix account which is cheaper and you don’t get no adverts)

THIS LIST WAS EDITED BY STACEY YATES WITH CONTRIBUTIONS FROM JHEREK BISHOFF, CHAD RAINES & AMANDA PALMER. WE LIVE IN A WASTEFUL SOCIETY. LIVE WELL. IT DON’T TAKE MUCH. REALLY.

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