The failure box gets another thing in it 

Today can go suck it. 

And not because this morning my leg gave out from under me causing me to mess an entire mug of perfectly good coffee and hurting some or other muscle. 

And not because Fysh dropped a brand new jar of cheese spread that I had to clean up and throw out or that he spilled an entire bowl of popcorn all over my floor. 

Not even because telkom has capped my uncapped Internet when I have shit to finish. 

It can suck it because today I my anxiety and lack of self confidence is high. And I’m sitting here in stupid tears that I know are stupid with feelings I know are dumb but they won’t go away. Why? Well because of something that shouldn’t even really matter to a normal person. 

A while back a magazine contacted me and asked if I’d be willing to join them for an article revolving around mental health. I said of course I would, I’m all about being an advocate and talking about it so that at least one person out there feels like they aren’t alone and that is okay to ask for help. 

Today a friend posted said article cause she’s in it and I’m telling myself it’s great that they posted it. It’s fantastic. They have a way bigger each than I do and can help more people. And she’s an amazing person who is awesome for it. 

But despite telling myself this I still feel like that loser in high school not invited to sit with the cool kids. I still feel rejected. And that brings up every single fucking bad feeling and amplifies it to infinity because that’s how my brain works. 

So even though I KNOW I’m supposed to be happy and appreciate all the awesome things I’ve done etc my feelings are on a loop telling me I’m not good enough, I’m pathetic, too fat, too loud, 28 and a failure with financial issues still trying to fool herself into thinking she can become a successful illustrator and writer. Telling me to just give it all up because trying is fucking futile. 

And I am not writing this for attention so please keep any nasty ass comments to yourself. I’m writing it because it fucking sucks and hopefully one person will see this and it will stick with them and be in the back of their mind and that’ll help someone else one day. Or maybe it’ll help you. 

Tomorrow I’ll be fine and carrying on again but this will be stuck with me forever, filed in that box that contains every stupid thing and every failure ever and every time I do something there will be that horrible little voice reading down the list of that box’s contents reminding me I’m pathetic even though I know I’m not. If that makes any sense. 
I hope that your Monday has been less Monday-ish than mine. And if you need a reminder… You are amazing and capable of anything you set your mind to ♥ 

7 Comments
  • Kerry
    Posted at 20:01h, 26 September

    I know what you are talking about and I am so sorry that you feel rejected and like a failure. I know that nothing I am going to say to you now will make you feel better (I know why because I understand and know that it’s not as easy as reading a comment on a blog post to snap out of it) but for what its worth your blog and your feelings kinda mirror mine in a lot of ways and it honestly does help to know that I am not alone. So while you might not have gotten that huge exposure or the big platform to touch other people, you have touched me and I am grateful for your honesty and sharing your struggles and journey because it does help me, and I know that I can’t be the only one.
    Tomorrow is another day and I hope that you wake up with this out of your mind. I hope you wake up to a good day with good things that you make you feel good.

  • Carmen
    Posted at 21:06h, 26 September

    I agree with the comment above. Your blog reaches, touches and helps me. There so many times that I wish I was as brave as you for talking about the things you talk about here and even if its not about mental illness there are a lot of others things you post that makes me feel like im not alone. So thank you. Reading this today might not help but I hope that you read it when you feel better to know your influence.

  • catjuggles
    Posted at 09:27h, 27 September

    Just love to you Cupcake – what a horrid day. I do hope today is way way better.

  • Maz
    Posted at 12:51h, 27 September

    I am sorry… They are missing out – and you would have been much better for the piece than me – I mean, you have mermaid hair.
    Plus – you are a beacon of hope for so many, and you are strong, and you are kind, and you are a good friend and all-round lovely person…

    • cupcake
      Posted at 15:38h, 28 September

      So are beautiful. And you have those hand tattoos I heart so much

  • Cassey
    Posted at 16:17h, 27 September

    All the feels lady. All the feels.

  • Shirley
    Posted at 17:43h, 27 September

    LOve and light…you are not alone…today I had a good old cry because, well who really knows why…I had one of those “back in highschool” moments this weekend and I’m slowly getting over it…life sucks sometimes and sometimes we suck at life. But we get through it. Somehow. I hope your Tuesday was better than your Monday. You trully are amazing!

%d bloggers like this: