In november I found out someone who had a phenomenal impact on me while I was pregnant and during the first few years of Fysh’s life had passed away. It’d been a while since I’d seen her, we kept making plans but something would come up.
I can’t even begin to explain this woman. Have you ever met someone and you just instantly feel accepted? That was D. I wasn’t just the tutor. She made me feel like I was part of the family, I was invited to special occasions and we celebrated with cream cheese frosted carrot cake any chance we could get. She listened to me when I needed to vent, kept my mind off the biodad crisis by helping her find barbie pink building tools, plan whatever room she was re-re-decorating in the house or just having tea.
The thought to find out what actually happened has been nagging at me. I had a feeling but I had hoped it was wrong and maybe that is why I didn’t ask. As it turns out, I wasn’t wrong. My friend, my other mom. She willingly left everyone behind.
Debbi was always smiles, she didn’t like to complain. I knew she was in pain but she’d wave it off, and you could see the light in her eyes fade a little every now and then but she was perfect and I was in denial. I was too wrapped up in my own designer issues. Like so many other people are. And I was wrong and I wish I could have one last chance to just tell her how much we appreciate her.
Sky, I can’t call him a kid anymore cause he’s not that little primary schooler that I teased and taught to bake anymore. He’s a rather dashing young man now, a very talented one. He always said he would be a rapper one day and Debs encouraged it. She used to tell me that she named him Sky so that he knew his future was limitless and I think she was right.
Because of her encouragement and her pain and her struggles I am able to share this message with you, one that embodies the anger and fear and despair that someone left behind feels. I would rather it wasn’t around but it is and therefore I feel that you need to hear it because somewhere. Someone.
So if that creature, that hybrid that is depression has you in it’s grips, please for the love of all those who really care for you, please speak up and ask for help.
this is what you are leaving behind,
even when you feel that you don’t matter.
You do matter.