22 Feb On turning 30
For a long time I dreaded nearing my third decade. It’s such a big number. Feels so much like a “you should have your shit together” kind of number which is silly I know but it’s just what it is. I had major anxiety about it, panic attacks and oh the many many guilt ridden depressive episodes.
And yet the strangest thing has happened this year, I’m turning 30 and I’m not worried about it. It’s as if a coin flipped over and I wouldn’t say I’m a whole new me but I’m a lot more focused all of a sudden. Not in the “I can sit and work for hours without being distracted by a million things” focused though, more like I’m seeing things slowly fit into place, making them happen.
My book is written, the one that I’ve been “writing” for almost 4 years. Half of it is illustrated already and instead of concentrating on keeping Cupcake and Fysh “up and at em” I’ve been putting my efforts into things like finishing it.
I’ve stopped helping everyone. For years I always put others first, helping them build their things instead of working on my own. Now I am happy to help of course but only if it’s something I’m really passionate about or if it’s something that benefits us either with a barter or actual payment. That sounds bitchy but gratitude doesn’t keep the bank away or put food on the table. It’s hard learning to say no. But I’ve limited the people I am willing to help like that to less than a handful and I already feel less stressed and am able to put more effort into things I need to make our lives better.
I applied for UNISA, I have always wanted to study but “the time isn’t right” or “finances”. This year, after much cajoling from three very special people in my life and a registration donation, I decided fuck it all I am going to do this one way or another. I applied. I got in. I am studying Forensics. Now you know my big secret. It’s been tough, my family doesn’t know yet mainly because I’m apprehensive about the feedback I would get, and this getting back into studying mode after all these years isn’t easy but I’m taking my books everywhere and studying every chance I get between work and life. I have handed in 2 of my 6 assignments for the semester already though and I’m really fucking loving it. The English module is boring AF but the Criminology and Forensics, well it’s all I had hoped for and more.
So that is why I have been quiet around here, and why I’ll probably stay quiet for a while. This has always been our space of the internet to just talk or whatever and I am ever so grateful that people actually read what I waffle but it doesn’t pay the bills so efforts will have to go into things that do and as sad as that realization is it’s a pretty grown up one and I’m okay with that. We’ll still blog about things here and our adventures etc but I’m making this our space again. My online diary as such, like it used to be. Keeping it for us and not to try impress and entertain other people. There are enough other blogs for you to follow for that purpose :)
My psychiatrist will be so proud :P