minor vent post

“Words are, in my not-so-humble opinion, our most inexhaustible source of magic. Capable of both inflicting injury, and remedying it.” — Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

I’ve followed this girl on instagram for a while now, I think I started following her through someone else when I was looking for other people with BPD to follow when I was diagnosed, so it’s been a while now. When I “met” Megs she was committed in a ward and it was really interesting learning about ward life, she’d jumped out a window to try kill herself and ended up surviving but breaking her back, thankful to many surgeries she’s able to walk.

Now her posts were depressing, total and utter trigger warning stuff but considering her predicament I could understand this. I watched and commented and cheered when she was able to go home, when she enrolled into college and went on holiday. I ignore the snotty comments against her family cause let’s face it, she’s barely a legal adult and even “sane” people have family issues, I know I did. But the thing is they never got “better” the posts that is.

Today she decided to stay home from college where she’s studying psychology cause she just doesn’t feel like it. Yeah, I totally get that, I have days like that ALL THE TIME and sometimes I’ll sleep in for an extra hour or I’ll pull my work into bed. I’ll find SOMETHING to do. Today I got a little upset with her and gave her some tough love telling her to “suck it up” and at least try to do something, like the assignments she’s moaning about that need to be finished which was responded to by how I need to stop being jealous and so on and I’m not worth a response. I messaged back explaining that she is gorgeous (which she really really is, could really be a model) and so damn talented that it actually saddens me to see her simply give up. Which is what she’s been doing a lot more of. And when someone tells you they just want to die and they don’t want to be around… Well people I know have moments like these, am sure a lot of adults do cause adulting is HARD, but when you are CONSTANTLY going on and on and on about it and then blaming it on your depression is when I start to lose my temper with you.

I wish I had the ability to go study psychology but we all know the SA higher education system and it’s fees, though I was told to just put my kid in a school and go study (her words) but I guess those who are given everything don’t always consider that there are places where free schooling isn’t available. Like here. Fysh’s school fees cost a third of my rent. That’s not the point though, that’s just me angry rambling at people who don’t think.

My point is that when people lean on their “disabilities” and “diseases” for constant sympathy I find it pathetic. I rock my disorder, I’ve learned that there is no getting around it and it’s also not my fault. I’m not proud of it and I have days when all I want is a little love, attention and hugs but when you do it daily, constantly, all the fucking time then I really lose pity for you. Get up, do something about it. And really, if you’re all alone then your friends and family really fucking suck ass and you should most definitely kick them to the curb and find people who are supportive. SUPPORTIVE not enabling! There is a difference. Learn it, realise it! Supportive people pick you up, comfort you, give you a little tough love when you need it but they are there. Enablers are those people who sympathise with every thing and constantly agree with you how shit it all is. You might think they’re helping but they’re actually kinda just waiting for you to fall so they can be there and they can say “oh I tried to help”.

Depression isn’t your fault. It’s a chemical imbalance. It’s NOT your fault, remember that.

You wouldn’t tell someone with cancer it’s all in their head but you also wouldn’t keep telling them it’s okay and that they’re so unlucky and that “oh shame yes yes” when they say they want to die. No, you tell them to “suck it up” you tell them to think positive and you stick by them. You hold their hair back when chemo gets bad and you feed them jello and make blanket forts when they don’t want to get out of bed. Depression is the same. Be there for them, but don’t let them stay in that hole. They might hate it and try argue but I promise you, the one who sticks around rooting for the good stuff, you’re the one who’s going to make the difference even though it’s really hard. I had a few other people who follow her attack me and going on about how she should block me and how I don’t get it and I’d never understand which is mostly what sparked this little rant really. But maybe they’re just like her, needing support and instead they are stuck in the enabling cycle. Hopefully they’ll also find a way to be happy.

Don’t be an enabler. Be a supporter.

hands

*** Please note that I am not happy all the time, I’m actually pretty fucked up but I know that I can’t just sit around feeling sorry for myself cause I have a kid to look after and sadly I don’t get maintenance or government grants for housing and education etc. Right this minute I have R9 in my bank account, debit orders are coming up this weekend and I need 2k to cover them so R9 is nowhere near enough and no matter how hard to try convince them the bank simply refuses cupcakes and hugs as payment. Assholes ;) But I get up and try again. And again. And again. Who knows, maybe I’d miss out on a really awesome client tomorrow that would sorted out my few debits if I decided to just give up tonight. So I don’t. I might cry myself to sleep or stay in bed an hour longer than I should but I still get up. So please don’t tell me I don’t understand. Cause I’ve been there. I am there. I could go and cut myself to shreds I’m so stressed out but I haven’t picked up a blade in a year and a half and that makes me REALLY proud so instead I’m going to go finish crocheting a unicorn that will at least pay for groceries for the weekend :)

5 thoughts on “minor vent post

  1. I agree very much with the supportive as appose to the enabler. Even though sometimes an enabler feels so much easier that the supportive because we don’t want to hear the truth. This is true for everyone.

    I just got the kick up my ass that I needed. Thank you

  2. This, so this. I feel you lady. I think it’s easier to just give into it when you don’t have people depending on you. In the worst of mine I still got up and looked after my kid, because that is what you need to do.

    Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeg hugs.

  3. Tough love (LOVE!) is exactly what you have given her and that’s what she needs. Hopefully she will realise it soon. You are very wise C. Brilliant post.

Comments are closed.