life is pretty fucking short

There’s a saying how life is so short and I remember hearing it so often when I was younger. “Enjoy your youth, it goes by so fast” but I always thought that it was such a load of crock because life is the longest damn experience you’ll ever have. Now though,  it seems that the closer I get to 30 the quicker time passes by, or maybe it’s just that I’m noticing it now.

Blink and it’s gone.
You’ve missed the moment. 
They’re walking and talking and that little boy smell is gone and they’ve gone from tiny baby clothing to a mens xs.
It’s too late and you won’t get to hear their laughter again.

I keep thinking; I’ll visit them next week. The photo can wait. We’ll play a game later.  I’ll message them tomorrow cause it’s nearly midnight and that’s clearly inappropriate. But tomorrow never comes, later becomes another time and next week never happens. Lately the universe has been teaching me that this is bullshit, these excuses lead to regret.

Last week my stepsister’s daughter passed away in a car accident. I hadn’t stayed in touch and I regret it now. I never got to know what sort of person she had become. Was she still as free-spirited as when I baby sat her? Did she like coffee or tea? Silly things I never learned. And making contact now just seems wrong in a sense, like “oh my niece died and I know I don’t talk to you cause you’re just a step sister but um hey”… It feels false, morbid somehow.

Then two nights ago a woman so dear to Fysh and I passed away. She was such an integral part in the first few years I was settling down as a single mom, always there for a coffee and carrot cake cupcakes with cream cheese frosting. She faffed with Fysh, braided his hair and never judged that I let him grow it. She gave him his very first big boy chair and we still have it till this day. We keep meaning to visit her, we kept meaning to visit her. But we were just too busy, there was always something. And now I will never get the chance to hear her infectious laughter again, to eat cupcakes with birthday candles on because those don’t have calories.

 

(unless of course you are a stalker or they’ve explicitly told you to not contact them, then I think it’s safe to say you shouldn’t take this advice)

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