27 Apr Goodbye 20’s
It’s the last day of my 20’s today, tomorrow I hit 30. People say all these things you should feel and my psych was worried that turning 30 would cause me more anxiety but honestly I’m okay with it.
My early 20’s weren’t the party hardy let your flag fly vibes most people have, they consisted of navigating the whole raising a kid alone and trying to keep him alive thing. I wouldn’t change it but I also wouldn’t want to relive them either. It was hard, I was very negative and angry, always so damn angry.
Getting closer to 30 is where the good things have started though and perhaps that’s why I’m so okay with it.
I’ve accepted my diagnosis and speak openly about it now and slowly settled onto my medication, I’ve learnt to control my emotions a little better and avoid triggers where I can. I have learnt that staying angry or trying to get revenge isn’t really helpful, it does nothing good and just makes me sick (I actually get physically ill when I’m angry, it’s kak). I’ve also realized that having only 2 good friends is better than trying to keep up with a bunch of people and relationships that are high maintenance are so not worth it at all. I also met a weirdo who loves me despite my flaws and is still willing to do me even with the extra weight I’m struggling to get rid of. There’s none of the drama of those early 20’s relationships and instead he’s helped me grow as a person even when I dig my heels in he wears the ground down. For example – I’m more organized (well in comparison to what I was) and I even do the dishes now :P
Fysh is out of that toddler phase and despite the grey hairs and moments of exasperation he’s helpful and I don’t have to struggle to parent as much, and I don’t let other people butt in and try play parent or tell me how it should be done. We’re a team, it’s taken us a while to get here but now we’re a pretty good team and we can manage without input, unless we ask for it.
My biggest epiphany of all though is probably realizing that I am too much of a doormat, that I needed to learn to stand up for myself and say no. I can’t spread myself thin trying to help everyone around me when I don’t help myself and that it’s not rude to say no and put yourself first. Before I had dreams of things I wanted to do but they always took a backseat to help others, now my dreams aren’t just wishes, they are goals and I am actually working my ass off to reach them instead of making other peoples dreams come true and just staring longingly at my own.
So here is to my 30’s, to keeping the forward momentum and finally being the person I’ve always wanted to really be and do the things I have always wanted to do. Here’s to all the books I’ll read (and write), to the degree I am working towards, to living in a van like we’ve always wanted to, to moving to somewhere cold, to traveling more and camping more, to finally getting out of debt and being financially stable. Here is to celebrating our victories no matter how small because we deserve to.