On Monday I write my first exam. I am so nervous that I have hardly been able to eat, my hands shake and I can cry at the drop of a hat. It’s not even one of the “big” ones, it’s business English but if you look at my assignment results for the semester it’s the one I’ve struggled the most with, which is ridiculous right? Seeing as English is my first language.
My biggest problem though is myself, I have never failed a test or exam before. I even passed my drivers on the first go. Yes, I am that person. As kids we had a lot of pressure put on us to pass, to get good grades and over the years it’s become a thing, this weird standard that I hold myself to which is ridiculous I know but it’s still there, nagging away. It doesn’t really help that when I got my first assignment result back (96% for criminology) and I proudly sent my results to my parents my father responded with “where is the other 4%”.
I’m an adult, I shouldn’t give a damn, that’s the great thing about being an adult right? You get to say well I don’t care. But when you’ve been pushed to reach this standard in everything you do then not meeting expectations automatically makes you think you’re a failure. And that’s how it’s always been for me. I forced myself to excel in sports, in academics, in every damn thing I’ve done and when I stumble I find it easier to just say “fuck it, I can’t” and move on to something I know that I AM good at and can excel at.
And yet I constantly tell Fysh that failure is not the end of the world, that if he get’s whatever it is he is trying to do wrong then he should just take a deep breath and try again because if he sticks to it he’ll get it right. And damn does that child have a tenacious streak when it comes to mastering something he is dead set on mastering.
So I am going to keep studying, keep making notes and I am going to go write those exams. And if I fail at least I know that I tried my damnedest, and, instead of giving up, I will take my own advice for a change and not quit. I will just re-register for them and try again. Practice what you preach right?
Quitting is for losers. Or some shit like that.