When I was in school I decided no kids for me and yet at 20 you were carrying a little bean that would turn into the smart mouthed brilliant soul that is my minion. However, you didn’t very much like this bean and changed your mind at around 7 months and told him to vacate whether he was ready or not. And in doing this you nearly killed the both of us.
But we’re still here!
I had talked to our surgeon afterwards and asked if she would fix you up, make sure we don’t go through this again but we were only 21 and she said that if I really wanted to have another I could still (although it would mean steroid shots and a csection at 28 weeks, biweekly check ups with both gynea and psych as I will have to go off my SSRI’s again) and therefore they wouldn’t make you go sleepy for ever.
When I revisited this decision 3 years ago we were 26 heading on 27 and starting an actual relationship (which both you and me were stoked about). Although the psych agreed this would be a good idea he first needed me to be steady on the medication so that they wouldn’t say we’re making rash decisions, instead he wrote a note and I had an implant done in my arm so for 3 years you’d be empty and then we could take it from there.
Today we went to have the implant removed and sommer reinserted as it’s been working for us BUT apparently since we’ve had it done new studies show that the anti-convulsion meds our brain is on affects the damn implant and makes it easier for you to go do your thing again which I’m sure neither of us actually want seeing as you booted Fysh out. So now we sit with an issue… We can’t do the pill because of the brain and apparently the implant is out. So all we have left is an injection in the arm every three months and it’s makes us nauseous as fuck, we also don’t know what the side effects are going to be.
SO. I’m sorry to say this, we’ve had a really good run but it’s time I shut you down completely. No hard feelings right? I have a note from the old psychiatrist and the sister. Next Wednesday the brain and I will chat to the new psychiatrist and then a specialist which will hopefully both support the decision, we’ll also get a letter from the surgeon who tried to take your side. And then we have to take all of that to a Dr to try and convince them to convince the hospital that I’m a legitimate candidate.
This is going to be a long journey, it’s already been a long one but now we’re not walking with the path sort of in view we’re actually on that yellow brick road and following the signs all the way in. Hopefully we don’t hit any dead ends or too many curves.
There will be so many people against me on this, and I can see their views. I have so many friends who aren’t able to have kids and have experienced so much pain and adopted and here I am getting rid of something they want so badly. Well like I said, this isn’t a rash decision. This has been well thought out and considered. And if I have some old lady crisis and decided I do want to help raise another human being there are SO many kids out there, teens, that are in desperate need of a good foster home or guardian.
I’ll document this journey, the decisions and feelings, updates and anything that I learn in case there is anyone else out there thinking about it or going through it.